Real men don't hurt

As I was writing the earlier post, I realised that I should talk about the White Ribbon Campaign that was on 25 November. It is the fourth year it is in Singapore, the third by Aware and the second by Aware's Male Chapter. The theme chosen for this year is Real Men Don't Hurt.

Aware is not out to demonise men. Honest. We are out to break gender stereotypes so that everybody, women and men, can have the space to achieve their highest potential.

With Real Men Don't Hurt, the Male Chapter is standing up and telling their fellow men that they don't have to use violence to be considered real men. Being macho is fine, but using violence is not. The Living in a Box module developed for Secondary Schools goes even further - if you like being macho, that's great, but realise that there are also many other ways you can be, and you will still be a real man.

The event this year was at Orchard Cineleisure, and for me, the most powerful part of the programme was the play by the amateur drama group, the Sisyphian Circle, adapting the poem "I got flowers today" by Paulette Kelly, and the Open Dialogue where five men shared their thoughts on violence. The official account will be on Aware's website soon.

Extract from my speech to open the event (I forgot to mention that 2500 is only the reported cases, estimates say that actual incidence rate is at least twice that number):

Violence is a major issue for society, and has been for some time. When there is a threat of violence, people feel afraid, insecure, jumpy, wondering where the attack will come from. I visited New York many years ago, when the crime rate was still relatively high, and when my friend and I walked through certain parts of town, we didn’t feel safe, and would look all around as we walked, clutching our bags and wondering if we would make it back to our dorm in one piece. Have any of you ever had that experience?

In Singapore, we have safe streets, and visitors often remark about how they feel quite comfortable walking with a three-year-old after dark.

However, the situation in the home can be very different. Every year, around 2500 people apply for a personal protection or domestic exclusion order from the court. Based on research by the Sub-courts, about 80% of these applicants are women. That means that 2000 women a year do not feel safe in their own homes. 2000 women walking on egg shells at home every day, nervous, anxious, wondering when the next attack would come from, looking all around to make sure things will be safe for the next few minutes.

This is not a healthy situation for society, especially one without natural resources and relies on its human resources. Domestic violence has terribly consequences. It destroys the foundation of trust and respect on which families are built, it tears the family apart, and it is NOT just a women’s issue. Research in the US and UK have found that there is also an expensive price tag attached: medical and sometimes even hospitalisation bills, MCs and days off work to hide the signs of abuse from colleagues, lowered productivity at work due to mental turmoil. When you factor in that over 30% of domestic violence involve children, that 750 children a year, and 60% of these children are under 5 years old, that’s 450 children who witness or are involved in domestic violence every year.

No, this is definitely not a purely women’s issue, it affects every member of the family, especially the youngest and most vulnerable, and it has a cost to the economy, a cost which in Singapore has not been calculated.

However, by saying this, I’m not demonizing men because that also means that 2000 men a year are getting angry enough to lash out and hit somebody. 2000 men feeling furious, out of control, remorseful, and then rationalizing the whole episode. 2000 men feeling like that need to prove they are real men. 2000 men needing help as much as the women, even if the help is very different.

It is time to look at family violence face on, and without judging or stigmatizing. It is time we all took responsibility for ending the violence.


Other organisations that deal with family violence:
Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe)
Unifem Singapore who launched the Help Anna Campaign