Real men don't hurt

As I was writing the earlier post, I realised that I should talk about the White Ribbon Campaign that was on 25 November. It is the fourth year it is in Singapore, the third by Aware and the second by Aware's Male Chapter. The theme chosen for this year is Real Men Don't Hurt.

Aware is not out to demonise men. Honest. We are out to break gender stereotypes so that everybody, women and men, can have the space to achieve their highest potential.

With Real Men Don't Hurt, the Male Chapter is standing up and telling their fellow men that they don't have to use violence to be considered real men. Being macho is fine, but using violence is not. The Living in a Box module developed for Secondary Schools goes even further - if you like being macho, that's great, but realise that there are also many other ways you can be, and you will still be a real man.

The event this year was at Orchard Cineleisure, and for me, the most powerful part of the programme was the play by the amateur drama group, the Sisyphian Circle, adapting the poem "I got flowers today" by Paulette Kelly, and the Open Dialogue where five men shared their thoughts on violence. The official account will be on Aware's website soon.

Extract from my speech to open the event (I forgot to mention that 2500 is only the reported cases, estimates say that actual incidence rate is at least twice that number):

Violence is a major issue for society, and has been for some time. When there is a threat of violence, people feel afraid, insecure, jumpy, wondering where the attack will come from. I visited New York many years ago, when the crime rate was still relatively high, and when my friend and I walked through certain parts of town, we didn’t feel safe, and would look all around as we walked, clutching our bags and wondering if we would make it back to our dorm in one piece. Have any of you ever had that experience?

In Singapore, we have safe streets, and visitors often remark about how they feel quite comfortable walking with a three-year-old after dark.

However, the situation in the home can be very different. Every year, around 2500 people apply for a personal protection or domestic exclusion order from the court. Based on research by the Sub-courts, about 80% of these applicants are women. That means that 2000 women a year do not feel safe in their own homes. 2000 women walking on egg shells at home every day, nervous, anxious, wondering when the next attack would come from, looking all around to make sure things will be safe for the next few minutes.

This is not a healthy situation for society, especially one without natural resources and relies on its human resources. Domestic violence has terribly consequences. It destroys the foundation of trust and respect on which families are built, it tears the family apart, and it is NOT just a women’s issue. Research in the US and UK have found that there is also an expensive price tag attached: medical and sometimes even hospitalisation bills, MCs and days off work to hide the signs of abuse from colleagues, lowered productivity at work due to mental turmoil. When you factor in that over 30% of domestic violence involve children, that 750 children a year, and 60% of these children are under 5 years old, that’s 450 children who witness or are involved in domestic violence every year.

No, this is definitely not a purely women’s issue, it affects every member of the family, especially the youngest and most vulnerable, and it has a cost to the economy, a cost which in Singapore has not been calculated.

However, by saying this, I’m not demonizing men because that also means that 2000 men a year are getting angry enough to lash out and hit somebody. 2000 men feeling furious, out of control, remorseful, and then rationalizing the whole episode. 2000 men feeling like that need to prove they are real men. 2000 men needing help as much as the women, even if the help is very different.

It is time to look at family violence face on, and without judging or stigmatizing. It is time we all took responsibility for ending the violence.


Other organisations that deal with family violence:
Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe)
Unifem Singapore who launched the Help Anna Campaign

Rape is rape

Aware's position paper on the proposed penal code amendments will be uploaded to the website by tomorrow. The deadline for feedback is 9am Saturday 9 December, so if you're reading this within the next 36 hours, drop in on http://www.reach.gov.sg/olcp/asp/ocp/ocp01d1.asp?id=3683 to give your feedback. Even if it's after 9 December, it might still be worth emailing/snail-mailing Mr Wong Kan Seng, Minister of Home Affairs to let him know your views.

It's been a rather intense two weeks. We had the White Ribbon Campaign (to eradicate violence against women) and the 21st anniversary bash to organise before we could pay attention to writing a position paper on the penal code amendments. Almost from the word go, when we received the email inviting us to the focus group discussion, I just thought that this whole thing was just so much "wayang" (play-acting) again. I seriously doubt that the government would revise anything in the Penal Code Amendment Bill from the feedback. Firstly, the time given for public consultation and feedback was one month. I don't know how long they do it in other countries, but it definitely felt very short, especially for a NGO. Secondly, how many time have we been through public consultations, only for status quo to be maintained? I just felt extremely frustrated that we would have to wayang along and provide the most well-researched feedback we could in the time given, while knowing at the back of my mind that it was all futile.

Then I found out that a friend had been raped by her husband.

Suddenly, it became personal. I know someone who was raped by her husband. How can the politicians, academics, lawyers etc all say that there is no need to criminalise marital rape? How many more women must be raped before we woke up to our senses?

I came from an all-girls school. The principal continually reminded us to be careful coming to school and going home, warning us to watch out for strange men and dark areas, and putting the fear of the devil into us about the possibility of getting raped. The underlying message was that rape was the ultimate humiliation, the absolute worst form of assault for a girl.

Now as an adult, I am told that it is okay for my husband to rape me? That by being married, I have consented to his demanding sexual relations with me any time he feels like it? Or that by being married, I have made it so hard to prove rape that the authorities would rather pretend it didn't happen? Or that it is so important to maintain the illusion of marriage the authorities would not want to do anything even if my husband raped me?

Let's get this straight - rape is violence, power, not sex. You only rape someone you have power over and want to hurt.

Research from the UK shows that 14% of married women have been raped by their husbands in their lifetime. Using the numbers from the 2000 consensus, that means that 98,000 women have been raped by their husbands in Singapore. Unless we have data to show otherwise, I will assume that 14% is a reliable ball park figure. Given how our politicians seem to feel about married women, I won't be too surprised if the actual number is higher.

It's time to call a spade a spade.

Rape is rape, wherever, whenever it happens, and whoever it is committed by.